Routine feels like lonliness

It's not the silence that hurts, it's the sameness. I move through my life on autopilot, drinking water from the same cup, always buying the same brand of toothpaste, eating the same meals. The same TV show I've already seen 23 times plays in the background as I stare at the same celing I stare at every day.

Some people think theres a comfort in routine but I disagree. I think routine is slowly killing me, day by day.

It's not dramatic, it's not loud, it's just a slow erasing of the light within me. It's killing me in a way that sounds like a low hum that will never leave my ears like a static in the background of my life.

I'm not falling apart - I'm  just existing. It's empty, I feel hollow. I wake up, I do the things, I tick the boxes. Sometimes that feels like enough but usually it feels like nothing.

I feel like I am just a spectator in my own life. Theres a strange kind of lonliness in that - the world still turns, everyone seems to be moving, growing, and changing while I stay here repeating myself.

I wonder if this is all life will ever be, a collection of the same ordinary moments.

Maybe one day I'll get used to the sameness. Maybe one day it will bring me the comfort it brings to others. Until then, my days will keep blending into eachother until I can't tell one ache from the next and I'll keep quietly haunting my own life.